


The Things I Meant

by MercuryStardust



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Christmas, Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Misunderstandings, Season/Series 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5640301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryStardust/pseuds/MercuryStardust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Sam, I would like to ask permission to take your brother out on a date.”</p><p>Sam stilled with his cup of coffee halfway to his mouth and stared at Castiel. “I’m sorry, what?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things I Meant

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TakeThePieNow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeThePieNow/gifts).



Castiel didn’t think he would ever get used to the feeling of his heart beating. He had been human before, when Metatron stole his grace, and he distinctly remembered the first time his heart beat. The strange sound of the tha-thump, tha-thump in his ears. The feeling of his newly human heart racing in his chest as he realized what had happened to him.

His heart wasn’t racing now. Castiel was lying comfortably on Sam’s bed; the worn patchwork quilt pulled up to his chin. He could feel the calm, steady rhythm of his heart beating. Castiel was recuperating. The magic that had released him from Rowena’s spell had required his grace and left his human body battered and more exhausted than the first time he fell. Of course, Castiel had wanted to continue helping the Winchesters immediately – to prove that even without his grace he could still aid the brothers in their fight against the Darkness. They insisted that he stay behind in the bunker and heal.

“Get some rest, Cas. Watch Netflix,” Sam had advised before the brothers left on another case. Castiel had stared after them as they departed before resigning himself to his fate and began walking through the twisting hallways towards Sam’s room.

Castiel felt his eyes glaze over as yet another episode of Orange is the New Black started to play. He couldn’t focus. He hit pause on the remote control and scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to get some of the crust out of his eyes. Castiel leaned back against the headboard and stared up at the ceiling. He felt unsettled. He could feel his body repairing itself, but his mind remained a frenzy of human emotions. The thoughts of all he had been through, what Sam and Dean had been through, weighed heavily on his mind. Metatron. The unrest in heaven. Rowena. Charlie. The Mark of Cain. Trying so hard to help Dean, to save Dean, and almost failing.

Anger. Sorrow. Guilt. Terror. Relief. Castiel was constantly amazed at humanity’s ability to feel so intensely; he would never get used to that either. All of these conflicting emotions rolling around in his head, tangling together and fighting for dominance. Human life was fragile. His human life, now, was so fragile. Dean’s life was so fragile. The thought entered Castiel’s mind suddenly and his heart began to race in his chest. Dean. Dean had always been a certainty. Ever since Castiel descended to Earth, it was always certain that Dean was too important to die; his life too vital to be snuffed out. But now… the reaper had told Sam that there would be no more second chances for the Winchesters.

Castiel bolted upright in the bed, clutching the quilt until his knuckles turned white. Dean’s mortality was as certain as his own and that knowledge terrified him. Panic clawed its way up through Castiel’s stomach and into his throat, squeezing his chest until he felt as if he could not breathe. The intensity of these feelings threatened to consume him and he had to force himself to take deep, even breaths. If the mere thought of Dean’s death was enough to send Castiel into a panic, what would happen if these thoughts became reality? Hot tears welled in Castiel’s eyes and he blinked them back, trying to centre himself. He could not let these human emotions consume him, but he could not ignore them either. Dean had been at the forefront of his thoughts ever since Castiel had raised him from hell. Every moment of every day Dean occupied some part of Castiel’s mind, but it had been easier to control when he had been an angel. Now thoughts of Dean ran unchecked through Castiel’s mind.

The realization that he could truly lose Dean hit Castiel hard. For thousands of years he had watched humanity, heard the prayers and desperate pleas of people who wished they could have done it all differently; who wished for a second chance. Castiel was not going to get any more second chances with Dean. Their time on this earth is limited – Charlie’s tragic death reminded him of that only too well – and he did not want to be one of those humans who left this world with regret.

 

Castiel’s heart beat with a nervous flutter. The brothers had returned only a couple of days ago from their most recent hunt and he had seen how tired Dean looked. Not wanting to catch Dean in a bad mood, Castiel had waited. Besides, there was something that he needed to do first. Castiel stood in the doorway of the bunker’s kitchen, tugging nervously at the sleeves of his white dress shirt. At the counter Sam poured himself a cup of coffee, stirring in milk and a small spoonful of sugar. He turned around, catching sight of Castiel in the doorway, and inclined his head in way of a greeting.

“Sam, I would like to ask permission to take your brother out on a date.”

Sam stilled with his cup of coffee halfway to his mouth and stared at Castiel. “I’m sorry, what?”

Castiel calmly repeated the question and Sam took a moment to let the words sink into his brain, putting down his mug and turning his full attention to Castiel.

“You want to take my brother out on a date,” Sam repeated slowly, continuing when he received an affirmative nod from Castiel. “And you want to ask my… permission to take him out? Cas, he’s not a thirteen-year-old girl.”

“I am aware of that fact, however I know it is only proper for me to inform you of my intentions and allow you the chance to deny our outing.”

Sam bit back a laugh that threatened to burst from his throat. “Your intentions? Cas, have you been watching those Jane Austen adaptations again?”

“I enjoy the BBC,” Castiel said seriously. “I watched Sense and Sensibility with Severus Snape and the Titanic woman five times while you were gone.”

“Five times? Okay, um, wow,” Sam shook his head and grabbed his abandoned coffee. “Sure. Go ahead, Cas. He’s all yours.”

A warm smile rose on Castiel’s face, “Thank you, Sam. I promise that nothing untoward will happen on this date. It’s only our first.” Sam spluttered, choking on his sip of coffee and Castiel walked swiftly from the room leaving Sam to gape after him.

Castiel padded down the hallway and found the door to Dean’s room ajar. He stepped in silently to find the man stretched out on his bed with his eyes shut, listening to one of his many records. Castiel watched him wordlessly as Dean tapped out the beat on his chest. The song ended and Dean opened his eyes, letting out a startled yelp as he found Castiel staring at him from the middle of the room.

“Jesus Christ, Cas. We are officially getting you a collar with a bell on it. God damn.” Dean swung his legs over the side of the bed, shooting Castiel an exasperated look.

“I apologize for my intrusion; I just wanted to let you know that according to the Internet a new restaurant has opened here in Lebanon that is supposed to have the best burgers in the state. I was wondering if– ” Castiel began, but Dean cut him off before he could ask Dean to accompany him.

“You had me at burgers, Cas. I’m friggin’ starving, let’s go eat.”

Castiel beamed at Dean. “Wonderful. It’s a date.”

Dean gawked at Castiel and shook his head, “Cas, man, you’ve really gotta work on your human slang”

Castiel gave Dean a curious look, but brushed off the comment and informed Dean that he will be ready to go in an hour. Dean watched Castiel leave his room and wondered if the former angel would ever really get the hang of being human. Grabbing his jacket, Dean wandered into the atrium where he found Sam surrounded by books and researching as usual.

“C’mon Sam, it’s almost time to go. I don’t know where Cas found this place, but I need a burger inside me ASAP.”

Sam looked up from the thick volume he was reading and gave Dean a strange look. “No, Dean. I’m staying here tonight and following up on some possible leads. There has been some strange activity in Nebraska that could be Amara’s doing. You two just enjoy your night out together.”

“Okay… whatever, Sammy. Your loss,” Dean shrugged off the comment. He would be more inclined to drag Sam away from the research, but the promise of an epic burger is too strong. Dean gave his brother a confused look before shrugging and heading out the door.

 

Castiel watched Dean trudge out of the bunker, pausing to double-check his jacket pockets for his keys and wallet. Castiel stood waiting by the Impala smoothing out imaginary wrinkles in his tan overcoat. He wished that he still had Jimmy Novak’s trench coat; it had always brought him a measure of comfort and tonight Castiel was nervous. He could feel his heart start to beat faster as Dean approached the car.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel gave an awkward smile and pressed his palms into the side of his thighs. He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands.

“Heya, Cas. Sam’s being a little bitch and doesn’t want to come out so I guess it’s just you and me tonight.” Dean missed the look of confusion that passed over Castiel’s face, leaning over the man to unlock the passenger door of the Impala.

As he pulled back, Dean caught the scent of something spicy. “Are you wearing cologne?”

Castiel coloured a little, but looked pleased. “It’s called Komodo. I believe it is an old spice.”

“Uh, okay. Whatever, man. Let’s go, I’m ready for this burger.” Dean shook off his discomfort, slid into the driver’s seat, and filled the silence with the sounds of Zeppelin.

Castiel had memorized the route to the new restaurant (“Google Maps, Dean, have you heard of it?”) and it took them not into the downtown area of Lebanon as Dean had expected, but at the edge of a park in a quiet residential area. It was a 1950s-style diner with neon lights and big, bold lettering proclaiming its name to be the Pink Cadillac Diner. Dean snorted at the name, but he was excited that it was a ‘50s-themed diner because they always had amazing pie.

Dean and Castiel entered the restaurant and they both stopped to take in their surroundings, an amused smile playing at Dean’s mouth. The floor was checkered in black and white, contrasting against the mint green walls, one of which actually had half a pink Cadillac sticking out of it. A Chuck Berry song piped out of a restored jukebox in the back corner of the restaurant. A cheery sign invited them to seat themselves.

Dean glanced over at Castiel to find him looking at Dean expectantly, so Dean lead them over to a booth near the jukebox. They slid into the red vinyl seats across from each other almost immediately a waitress appeared handing them each a menu before rattling off a list of their specials. Dean raised his hand to cut her off.

“Just bring me the biggest, cheesiest burger you got.”

The waitress looked startled for a moment but quickly regained her composure. “That would be our double bacon cheeseburger. Comes with home fries or onion rings and your choice of specialty milkshake.”

“Fries, chocolate shake, and extra bacon on that burger,” Dean gave the waitress a wink as he handed over his menu. She flushed pink and smiled back at him.

Castiel cleared his throat and shot the waitress a dirty look. “I will have the same, but with a strawberry milkshake please.”

“Two bacon cheeseburgers, one chocolate shake, one strawberry.” The waitress took Castiel’s menu without looking away from Dean. “My name’s Sara if you need anything else.”

Dean’s eyes followed the woman as she left to fill their order and when he turned his attention back to Castiel, he found the other man frowning down at his folded hands. Dean gave him a curious look but decided not to say anything. Whatever weird moment Castiel was having, Dean assumed that he would work it out on his own.

“So this is kind of a cool place,” Dean said as he looked around the restaurant. There were framed pictures of musicians like Elvis Presley and Bo Didley on the walls as well as vintage Coca-Cola ads. The restaurant had a relaxed feel to it and Dean eased back into his seat.

“Yes, the online reviews said that this is going to be the hip place to eat.”

Dean chuckled at that, earning a shy smile from Castiel. Something warm spread across Dean’s chest at the look and he felt all the remaining tension ease out of his shoulders.

“Yeah it’s got potential,” Dean agreed. “But we haven’t tried the food yet. Doesn’t matter how cool a place looks, if they can’t make a decent burger it ain’t worth it.”

Castiel’s lips quirked into an amused smile. “I am sure everything will be to your liking. The internet does not lie.”

“I dunno, Cas. I have some pretty high expectations when it comes to my burgers.”

Castiel let out a chesty laugh and Dean was surprised at how easily they fell into conversation together. Sam was an almost constant presence in their lives and when they did find themselves alone together, talk usually turned to hunting or theories on how they could beat their latest big bad. Dean felt completely relaxed listening to Castiel offer up very serious critiques about the shows he had been watching on Netflix. So engrossed was he in Castiel’s analysis of The X-Files that he barely offered a quick “thanks” when their waitress, Sara, brought out their meal.

The food was amazing. Dean didn’t care what Sam said about sodium levels and clogged arteries, nothing tasted better than a greasy burger and fries. Well, nothing except pie. Both Dean and Castiel dug into their burgers rather enthusiastically, neither saying anything for several moments as they savoured the taste of beef and cheese.

“These still make me very happy,” Castiel said as he licked a glob of ketchup off his thumb. Dean’s eyes were trained on Castiel’s hands and he couldn’t seem to look away. Shaking his head, Dean gave a brief nod of agreement before taking an obnoxious slurp of his milkshake. Castiel didn’t seem to notice Dean’s moment of indiscretion, so he decided not to call any attention to it.

The conversation continued to flow easily as Dean filled Castiel in on the details of their latest hunt and felt a foreign pang in his chest when Castiel expressed his frustrations at not being able to help. Dean found himself once again so caught up in speaking with Castiel that he was startled when Sara returned to their table to clear their dishes and hand them their bills. Only, she came with just one bill; holding it out between the two men for one of them to take it. Dean was about to explain the mistake when Castiel spoke.

“Thank you very much, I will be taking care of the bill tonight. The food was absolutely delicious, by the way.”

“I’m glad you two enjoyed yourselves,” Sara replied, smiling brightly at Castiel. “Come back any time and tell your friends. We’re really hoping to turn this place into a hot-spot for dates.”

Dean gaped at the waitress. “Uh, we aren’t on a date.”

Sara’s eyes went wide as she began to mumble an apology and Castiel looked as if he had been slapped. Anger and hurt flashed in his eyes as he threw some bills on the table and stormed out the door, leaving stream of curious customers in his wake. Dean stared after Castiel, dumbfounded. A small cough from the waitress shook Dean from his daze and brought him back to reality. He scooped up the money that Castiel had unceremoniously thrown on the table and counted out the correct amount for their meals plus a generous tip.

“Thanks, food was great,” Dean murmured as he shoved the money into the waitress’s empty hand. He had to find Castiel and figure out what the hell was going on. 

Dean pushed open the heavy doors of the restaurant and felt a rush of cold as he was hit by the chilly winter air. He cursed himself for not having the foresight to bring gloves. Although, he thought, he hadn’t anticipated having to chase after a former angel in the middle of December. Dean scanned the parking lot as he rubbed his hands together, forcing warmth back into them and looking for any signs of Castiel. It did not take too long before Dean spotted a familiar tan coat hunched over on the curb next to the Impala.

“Heya Cas,” There was no response. Dean sighed and sank down on the curb next to Castiel. “C’mon man, talk to me.”

Castiel said nothing, only hugged his coat closer around his body and continued to stare at the ground. Dean clenched his jaw in frustration.  
“When the hell did tonight become a date? Sam was supposed to be here with us for god’s sake,” Dean blurted out. Castiel’s head snapped up and he gave Dean an incredulous look.

“I thought I was being quite clear earlier when I said it’s a date and you said nothing to the contrary.”

Dean thought back to earlier that day and groaned. “Cas, man, I had no idea you were being serious. I figured you thought ‘date’ was some weird slang term for supper.”

Castiel scowled at him as Dean processed what Castiel had said. He had to admit that it was a shock to know that Castiel not only understood what a date was, but that he also wanted to go on one. With Dean. Dean’s heart fluttered at this new information and he found that he wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea.

“Hey Cas, do you want to go for a walk?”

 

It was a crisp winter night and their breath came out in white puffs as  
Dean and Castiel started down a side street near the restaurant, walking side by side but not speaking. The air between them was still charged with emotion and Dean didn’t know what he could say to break the silence. The street was quiet and peaceful, cut off from the busy main roads of Lebanon. There were Christmas lights of every colour decorating the houses; beautiful wreaths hanging on the doors of others. Soft flakes of snow fell from the sky.

“Cas… you gotta level with me.” Dean’s voice sounded too loud in the quiet of the night. “You owe me an explanation.”

Castiel hesitated. They stopped in front of the entrance to a small park; the swingset and slide were covered in a thin layer of frost that glittered slightly in the light of the street lamps. A bench sat behind a tiny, frozen pond. Castiel walked towards the pond and sat down on the bench, resting his hands in his lap. Dean followed and sat down next to Castiel, a few inches of space between their legs.

“Death is a certainty for humans,” Castiel stated abruptly.

“Uh, okay. You’re gonna have to give me a little more than that.”

“It occurred to me that I will die, perhaps sooner than I mean to, and you will die as well,” Castiel turned his steady gaze on Dean. “I do not want to leave this Earth with any regrets.”

Dean drew in a sharp breath and his heart began to beat very fast. Castiel took a step closer and Dean could feel the heat radiating from his body.

“We have always had a very profound bond, Dean. But I… care for you very deeply. More than I was allowed.” Castiel’s eyes stayed locked on Dean’s. “I did not want to wait another day before telling you. In case it was too late.”

Dean could swear his heart stopped beating for a moment. He closed the remaining space between them and pulled Castiel into his arms; he put his lips close to Castiel’s ear.

“I feel the same way.”

Castiel stilled and then melted into Dean’s arms, a wide grin breaking out across his face. “Can I kiss you?”

Dean nodded and whispered. “Yes.”

Castiel pulled back and cradled Dean’s face in his hands, looking at him as if he was precious; something to be cherished. Then he leaned in and pressed his lips to Dean’s. They were warm and surprisingly soft. Dean clutched Castiel closer and deepened the kiss. Too soon they came apart, their foreheads pressed together.

“Merry Christmas, Dean.”

“Yeah. Merry Christmas, Cas.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta-reader [MarmeLady_Orange](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MarmeLady_Orange) for being her usual amazing self.
> 
> The title of the story is taken from the poem "The Things I Meant" by Iain Thomas and Jon Ellis.The restaurant that Dean and Cas visit is based on a restaurant I visited in sixth grade called Rockin' Johnny's in Ottawa, Ontario. Really good milkshakes.


End file.
